Puppy Tales

and other stories

Dog letters to God
Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,

When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
Dear God,

When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same story?
Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,

Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?
Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
Dear God,

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,

I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem.
Dear God,

When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in?
Dear God,

The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?
Dear God,

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Received via Internet from Darlene H.

Dog Rules

  1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
  2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
  3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
  4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
  5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
  6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
  7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
  8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
  9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
  10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
From "My Dog is the World's Best Dog" by Suzy Becker.

The Vet's Office

A man brings his pet hamster to the veterinary clinic and places it on the counter.

"Doc, can you tell me what's wrong with him?"

The vet looks the obviously lifeless rodent over, pulls out a chart, makes a notation and says, "I'm sorry, but he's already passed away."

The man shouts, "That can't be! You didn't even do anything. I want a second opinion."

The doctor writes down a few more lines and answers, "Well, if you're sure that's what you want, please wait here a moment."

A few minutes later the vet returns with a Golden Retriever and a Siamese kitten. He unleashes the dog which immediately runs to the hamster sniffs it, barks once and returns to the doctor's side. He scribbles some notes then sets the kitty on the counter and it jumps over the hamster's body, sniffs it and jumps back with a single "meow". The doctor makes a few more notes and turns to the owner.

"Everyone agrees, sir. The hamster is definitely dead. We really can't spend any more efforts on his behalf. That will be 600 dollars."

The already-stunned customer's jaw drops and he asks, "What? How can that be? I don't understand."

The doctor looks at his chart and says, "If you had accepted my first opinion, it would have only been 50 dollars, but once I ordered the lab work and the cat scan..."

You know you're a dog person when...

Does Your Dog Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

Seeing Eye Dogs

There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pinscher and one with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Dobie says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

A Dog's Duty

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs ," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

19 Things We Can Learn from a Dog

  1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
  2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
  3. When loved ones come home always run to greet them.
  4. When its in your best interest, always practice obedience.
  5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
  6. Take naps and always stretch before rising.
  7. Run, romp, and play daily.
  8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
  9. Be loyal.
  10. Never pretend to be something your not.
  11. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
  12. When someone is having a bad day , be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
  13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
  14. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
  15. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
  16. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
  17. When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
  18. No matter how often you are crit icized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.
  19. Run right back and make friends.
contributed by Darlene H.

Unrecognized Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bu! ! lldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
contributed by Phil S.

One Liners

Three Dogs

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog were sitting in a doggie bar when a beautiful female collie walked in.

She said "Whoever can use my faaavooorite words, 'liver and cheese', in a sentence, I am yours."

The Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

"That isn't good enough," responded the collie.

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

"That wasn't creative enough," replied the collie.

The Chihuahua says "Liver alone...cheese mine."

Dog Justice

As a victim of years of dog humor, I was pleased to find that parrots also possess a fine sense of humor. If you are plagued with canine comics, I highly recommend a parrot to even the odds.

The basic parrot gag goes like this:
Bark like a dog
The real dogs are alerted and run to the door barking furiously
The real dogs are then yelled at for making a racket
Riotous laughter from the bird cage.

The alternate gag:
The dogs tear out the back door and into the yard.
Before the door shuts, the parrot whistles the "come in" whistle.
Dogs whirl around and hit their heads on the closed door.

The ultimate gag:
"BAD DOG, BAD DOG, BAD DOG" coming from the birdcage
while the dogs run in frantic circles trying to figure out who’s been bad and where to hide.

Dog Regulations

Mind Games

  1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
  2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
  3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
  4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
  5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
  6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
  7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
  8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
  9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
  10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Dogma I

"The Creation Story As Told By The Dog"

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

Top Ten

Top 10 Signs your Dog has Joined a Computer Cult

10. Spends a lot of time at the airport with the other cult dogs, passing out free AOL diskettes.

9. Your new "Reverend Moon" screen saver.

8. Every day at 3:00, stops whatever he's doing, bows toward Cupertino.

7. Gettin lots and lots of e-mail from somebody named "bob@cult.com.

6. When told to "go get your master", runs to the PC and dials up the internet.

5. You find your Motown CD in the trash, and a new "Gregorian Chants" CD in your CD-Rom.

4. Trades in his Calvin's and Nike's for a black robe and sandals.

3. You come home from work to find him making a spaceship out of your gas grill.

2. Comes home with his head shaved.

1. When asked why he went on the floor, he replies, "It is the will of Moondoggie."
courtesy of the David Letterman Show

Top Ten Doggie Bumper Stickers

10. Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!

9. If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out Of The Window!

8. Caution- I Brake For Dead Stuff On The Road!

7. My Snauzer Can Beat Up Your Obedience School Honor Student.

6. Vet is a 4-Letter Word!

5. My Other Car Is The Bed Of A Pickup!

4. I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!

3. Hey Cat! New Law - Red Light Means Go Now, OKAY?

2. Caution - Driver Drools Out The Window!

1. Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!

Top Ten Doggie News Groups

10. alt.firehydrants.pictures

9. fido.humans.training_to_fetch

8. rec.sports.sticks.stones

7. alt.pictures.mastersleg

6. fido.god.is.dog.spelled.backwards

5. rec.sports.frisbee.catching.

4. fido.favorite.nap.spots

3. alt.Socks.die!.die!.die!.

2. rec.games.involving.dead.cats

1. alt.where.oh.where.can.he.be?

Dog Quotes

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
Robert Benchley

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Ann Landers

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Jeff Valdez

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Steve Bluestone

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Andrew A. Rooney

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
Jack Handey

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Jack Handey

For more Dog-related humor (and funny stories about some of the lower species), be sure to visit the Oracle Humor pages from where we steal our best jokes.