and other stories
Received via Internet from Darlene H.
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles,
horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never
bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my
bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same story?
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he
still a bad dog?
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't
make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the
moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the
beagle across the street.
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another? Where are their priorities?
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many
of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name
please? It would be good for my self-esteem.
When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like
musk! What's he been rolling around in?
The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a
feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this
stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them
I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!
I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename
the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
From "My Dog is the World's Best Dog" by Suzy Becker.
- The dog is not allowed in the house.
- Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
- The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
- The dog can get on the old furniture only.
- Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
- Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
- The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
- The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
- The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
- Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.
A man brings his pet hamster to the veterinary clinic and places it on the counter.
"Doc, can you tell me what's wrong with him?"
The vet looks the obviously lifeless rodent over, pulls out a chart, makes a notation and says, "I'm sorry, but he's already passed away."
The man shouts, "That can't be! You didn't even do anything. I want a second opinion."
The doctor writes down a few more lines and answers, "Well, if you're sure that's what you want, please wait here a moment."
A few minutes later the vet returns with a Golden Retriever and a Siamese kitten. He unleashes the dog which immediately runs to the hamster sniffs it, barks once and returns to the doctor's side. He scribbles some notes then sets the kitty on the counter and it jumps over the hamster's body, sniffs it and jumps back with a single "meow". The doctor makes a few more notes and turns to the owner.
"Everyone agrees, sir. The hamster is definitely dead. We really can't spend any more efforts on his behalf. That will be 600 dollars."
The already-stunned customer's jaw drops and he asks, "What? How can that be? I don't understand."
The doctor looks at his chart and says, "If you had accepted my first opinion, it would have only been 50 dollars, but once I ordered the lab work and the cat scan..."
- You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes,
harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.
- You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call
name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name
until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
- You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone
with your dog.
- Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your
dogs as "your kids" or "your children." (Bonus: they start to call
them "our granddogs.")
- 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs
(seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the
browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos,
sounds and FAQs, etc.).
- You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at
work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.
- No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get
dog hair on their clothes.
- You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog
kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this
in a classy establishment.)
- You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the
best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a
manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
- Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are
- The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
- You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either
featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot
during a crowd scene.
- All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they
come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.
- The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing
acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the
dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"
- Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans
See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.
- You believe every dog is a lap dog.
- If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
- You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of
- You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your
- You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
- You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
- No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you
and your dog(s).
- You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do
- You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips,
even when you know where his lips have been.
- You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every
dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
- You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
- You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
- Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
- When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first
- You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
- You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
- Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pinscher and one with a
The guy with the Dobie says to the guy with
the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman says,
"Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with
the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts
to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The
guy with the Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is
my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman
Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're really very
good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the
Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark
sunglasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry,
pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't
understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A
Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing
the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs
," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
contributed by Darlene H.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When loved ones come home always run to greet them.
- When its in your best interest, always practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps and always stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something your not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day , be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
- When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you are crit icized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.
- Run right back and make friends.
contributed by Phil S.
- Collie + Lhasa Apso
- Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
- Spitz + Chow Chow
- Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
- Pointer + Setter
- Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
- Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
- Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
- Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
- Peekasso, an abstract dog
- Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
- Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
- Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
- Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
- Newfoundland + Basset Hound
- Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
- Terrier + Bu! ! lldog
- Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
- Bloodhound + Labrador
- Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
- Malamute + Pointer
- Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
- Collie + Malamute
- Commute, a dog that travels to work
- Deerhound + Terrier
- Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
- A limping dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
- During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One said to the other..."The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you'll never use in the real world."
- Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Prayer: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am."
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog were sitting in a doggie
bar when a beautiful female collie walked in.
She said "Whoever can use my faaavooorite
words, 'liver and cheese', in a sentence, I am yours."
The Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
"That isn't good enough," responded the collie.
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
"That wasn't creative enough," replied the collie.
The Chihuahua says "Liver alone...cheese mine."
As a victim of years of dog humor, I was pleased to find that parrots also possess a fine sense of humor. If you are plagued with
canine comics, I highly recommend a parrot to even the odds.
The basic parrot gag goes like this:
Bark like a dog
The real dogs are alerted and run to the door barking furiously
The real dogs are then yelled at for making a racket
Riotous laughter from the bird cage.
The alternate gag:
The dogs tear out the back door and into the yard.
Before the door shuts, the parrot whistles the "come in" whistle.
Dogs whirl around and hit their heads on the closed door.
The ultimate gag:
"BAD DOG, BAD DOG, BAD DOG" coming from the birdcage
while the dogs run in frantic circles trying to figure out who’s been bad and where to hide.
- The trash man is not STEALING our stuff.
- Our doorbell is unique. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator or dishwasher or trash pail.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under a low table.
- I will not roll food or toys under the fridge.
- I will not eat the other animal's food (before or after they eat it).
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
- I will not throw up/pee/poo in the car.
- I will not roll on dead worms, snails, birds, cats, etc.
- I will not lick my human's face after licking my other parts.
- The clothes hamper is not my toy box.
- I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
- I will not bite the policeman's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
- After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.
- Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
- Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
- Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
- Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
- When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
- Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
- Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
- When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
- Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
"The Creation Story As Told By The Dog"
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy, and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Top 10 Signs your Dog has Joined a Computer Cult
10. Spends a lot of time at the airport with the other cult dogs, passing out free AOL diskettes.
9. Your new "Reverend Moon" screen saver.
8. Every day at 3:00, stops whatever he's doing, bows toward Cupertino.
7. Gettin lots and lots of e-mail from somebody named "email@example.com.
6. When told to "go get your master", runs to the PC and dials up the internet.
5. You find your Motown CD in the trash, and a new "Gregorian Chants" CD in your CD-Rom.
4. Trades in his Calvin's and Nike's for a black robe and sandals.
3. You come home from work to find him making a spaceship out of your gas grill.
2. Comes home with his head shaved.
1. When asked why he went on the floor, he replies, "It is the will of Moondoggie."
courtesy of the David Letterman Show
10. Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!
9. If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out Of The Window!
8. Caution- I Brake For Dead Stuff On The Road!
7. My Snauzer Can Beat Up Your Obedience School Honor Student.
6. Vet is a 4-Letter Word!
5. My Other Car Is The Bed Of A Pickup!
4. I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!
3. Hey Cat! New Law - Red Light Means Go Now, OKAY?
2. Caution - Driver Drools Out The Window!
1. Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a
dog and a man.
- Mark Twain
- A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
- Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for
- Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
- Jeff Valdez
- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window.
- Steve Bluestone
- If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
- Andrew A. Rooney
- Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might
- Jack Handey
- I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
- Jack Handey
For more Dog-related humor (and funny stories about some of the lower species), be sure to visit the Oracle Humor pages from where we steal our best jokes.